The Field Where Only You Don't Exist
by kazubako
Summary: Sawamura Eijun initially didn't pay much attention into those simple words, especially because the older male had given him a long lecture before he said those words. Now, however, things are different and there is nothing that Eijun wants more than the other's presence, even when it means he has to go through the lecture a million more times again.
1. Lost

The Field Where Only You Don't Exist

Diamond no Ace/Daiya no Ace/Ace of Diamond

Sawamura Eijun initially didn't pay much attention into those simple words, especially because the older male had given him a long lecture before he said those words. Now, however, things are different and there is nothing that Eijun wants more than the other's presence, even when it means he has to go through the lecture a million more times again. It is a small, small price to pay in order to fill the gaping hole of Seidou and his own self.

 **Pairing:** Miyusawa, but it doesn't have to be a romantic pairing. It can be seen as platonic.

 **Disclaimer:** None of the characters are mine.

 **Genre:** Angst

* * *

Ch1: Lost

* * *

"See you after the break."

Those were the words that Miyuki Kazuya uttered before he left.

Sawamura Eijun initially didn't pay much attention into those simple words, especially because the older male had given him a long lecture before he said those words. Things related to taking care of himself by keeping hydrated, filing his fingernails, keeping up with his body-training regime, etc. He initially just wanted Miyuki to stop talking and go, because he was so done with being treated like an idiot (though he had to admit, he sort of is. Even when Kazuya repeated it over and over, sometimes Eijun just _forgot_.) Now, however, things are different and there is nothing that Eijun wants more than the other's presence, even when it means he has to go through the lecture a million more times again. It is a small, small price to pay in order to fill the gaping hole of Seidou and his own self.

 _A high school student Miyuki Kazuya (17) is reported dead after being in critical condition for 18 hours in hospital due to a drunk driving accident._

Eijun is not a stranger to death. He has seen some deaths, one involving a pet dog that he truly cared for when he was small, which leads him to cry for three days straight until his throat is hoarse and his eyes are swollen. After that, he never took in another pet ever again in fear that he won't be able to take care of it and it will end up like his previous dog. It was one of the few things that Eijun couldn't tackle head-on and he'd prefer to avoid. It was also the reason why he hated contemplating about deaths and therefore always pushed the matter to the back of his mind at every given time. Kazuya's death, however, locks an entirely different emotion inside him, and he can't quite tell what it is, and he hates how he has it and how it messes him up and he just wants it to go away.

The first time he heard about the news, he was mostly confused. Even though his body reacted by constricting his heart and letting tears rolled down his tanned cheeks, he still wasn't sure whether sadness was all that he felt. It felt much more complicated than that, and he ended up focusing more on figuring out the emotions than accepting the truth that

Miyuki Kazuya is dead.

The next thing that Eijun did after he heard the news was to walk up Kazuya's room and knocked, calling Kazuya's full name like he hadn't been gone at all. His roommate that Eijun hadn't known very well let him in before leaving, assuming Eijun would want some time alone with the remnants of the catcher. Walking in and making himself comfortable on Kazuya's desk, he found a pair of cracked glasses that Miyuki broke a few days before the catcher left and Eijun chuckled in amusement as he examined the glasses, tracing the large cracks with his fingers. The glass finally gave way to the light pressure that the other's fingers were applying, littering the tabletop with shards of glass, one scathed Eijun's fingertip until it bled a bit.

"Uwah—sorry, Miyuki-senpai! I made a mess!" Eijun said in a flustered tone, cleaning the tabletop with a tissue he found on the side. He then put the rest on the trash before he stole a glance at the glasses that now no longer had its lenses intact. He then took the glasses and cleaned the rest of the glass that still stuck to the frame before putting them on. "Since you are not going to use this cracked pair, let me use it! I've been curious about glasses for a while. Lots of people say that your glasses is your charm point, after all!" Eijun smiles, even though it didn't reach his eyes. No matter how he avoids the matter, the matter of Kazuya's death still stayed in the back of his mind and absorbed all the energy from the usually fully lit eyes of Eijun. To shoo away the constricting feeling inside his chest, he began talking, talking, talking, and talking, until the room was full with his forced energy, making the room the most restless and sad it had ever been.

And Eijun wasn't the only one that was there to witness it.

Miyuki Kazuya stood at the corner with his casual outfit that he wore the last time he left, eyes wandering from his glasses to Eijun to his bed to his room and to everything that he can't touch again. He reached to his own chest only to touch nothing but empty air and the emptiness that filled his nonexistent heart.

 _The pain is over._

Kazuya thought for a while as he recalled the pain that he experienced before he went into a short coma and died. He narrowed his eyes, or at least it felt like he did, before he thought about what had happened and what was his condition at that time. Kazuya wasn't very quick with the acceptance, like most humans with deaths and what they did not expect, but the acceptance slowly but surely merged with his thoughts.

 _I am dead._

As the acceptance melted into Kazuya, the sounds that previously sounded like hums and vibrations became clearer to the catcher, the timbre that he recognized very well because of daily exposure. It was just the timbre at first, but it slowly grew to become clearer, to the point that Kazuya could tell what Eijun was talking about. It was mostly baseball trivia and the things that happened during lunches, breaks, and game nights with Kuramochi.

Strangely, it didn't feel like anything for Kazuya. And he felt that he should be scared, but he was not. It was nothing and nothing seemed scary in his head even though no actual feelings was involved—Kazuya had a hard time determining what was happening inside his head himself, as he wasn't very good with feelings. That was why he just listened and thought, listened and thought, mostly because why was he here when his soul had been reaped and why he had to appear in front of Eijun, of all people. It wasn't like he was expecting it to be other people, but he just didn't expect reappearing in front of anyone in general. Besides, it wasn't like watching Eijun helped—he felt emptier and emptier as Eijun talked and talked, talked like Kazuya had never been gone even though his eyes told Kazuya that the sun boy knew the truth.

 _Why am I here?_

Kazuya asked to himself. _For whose sake?_ He asked again. _Mine? Sawamura's? Whose?_ He asked again and again, his thoughts replying with multiple possibilities, but in the end he didn't grasp even one of them, as he was too unsure. In the end he just listened to his pitcher ramble, tired of thinking without anything that he can grasp on properly. After all, this condition defied what he had believed in until now—yes, he didn't believe in ghosts before—therefore it was useless to analyze this situation with his previous understanding as a base. Not that his current understanding was any better than now, since there was so many things that he didn't understand about this situation. It was just adding to the questions and thinking while Eijun's noisy chatter interrupted his thoughts every three seconds wasn't very nice.

 _He's trying too hard,_ Kazuya concluded as he listened through, picking up on every crack where Eijun was really close in admitting out loud that Kazuya was dead. The younger always stopped after slipping to take a breath and continued talking after that like nothing had happened, but the nervous habit that the pitcher had developed on his left hand was very obvious to Kazuya right now. Previously, Kazuya never quite noticed, even though he saw Eijun a few times in a nerve-wracking situation. It might be because he was closer now, much closer than how he usually saw Eijun in the mound 18.4m away, the place where Eijun was nervous the most. Or maybe because the younger male was very agitated that the nervous habit became more prominent. No one really knew. Besides, the knowledge that Kazuya had acquired was not useful now that his voice was silenced forever, locked in a different layer of dimension called mortality.

It should feel sad, but it just felt like it should. It didn't actually feel like sadness. Weird, huh? Kazuya chuckled at it, though he had no idea why he would. The amusement was just a thought in his head, nothing he could feel. It got stranger and stranger for Kazuya, but looking at Eijun, he felt a bit of normalcy and helped him to just settle down, even just a bit. Even when there were so many unanswered questions, Kazuya just… wanted rest.

Just a bit.

"And then— woops, it's already this late." Eijun looked at the clock, jumped from the seat and fixed the glasses that slid down his face a little. "I'll be borrowing this for a while. I'll steal all of your fans, mua ha ha ha!" Eijun exited the room to go back to his own room. Kazuya felt compelled to follow the other, and his nonexistent legs that still felt like legs yet felt like air in the same time brought him to the other's room, where Eijun bid goodnight to Youichi. Youichi noticed the glasses immediately, of course, as it was very conspicuous. Eijun did not try to hide it the slightest bit. Youichi had a lot of questions, like why Eijun had a glasses that resembled Miyuki's a lot, why Eijun still could help to smile, no matter how strained the smile is, but he was too tired emotionally to respond. He dismissed Eijun's weirdness with a quiet grunt before he himself tried to sleep, which he had tried to do since three hours ago.

Kazuya also paid attention to Youichi, who was turning every five minutes or so, as he thought of how Youichi would cope with losing him. _Good luck dealing with the team with me gone,_ Kazuya thought, before he thought of the days they spent in the class together. Even though they mostly fight, badmouth each other, and discuss about baseball, he appreciated the times they spent in that classroom. He then wondered how precious those times were to Youichi. Was it as precious to Youichi as it was to himself? Probably no, Kazuya thought, but again, nothing that he could identify as a proper feeling arose. It should be worrying, but not a sliver of a feeling struck him. It was truly empty, and it got emptier and emptier, to the point he didn't know how empty was empty.

He then averted his eyes back to Eijun, who was staring at a mirror. It had been a few minutes, and Eijun was still doing the same thing. Kazuya lost track of time when the mirror staring eventually ended with a sigh. Eijun then took off the glasses, which made Kazuya felt really sleepy all the sudden, before fading to darkness. After that, the younger male wrapped the glasses inside tissues and put it into an unused clean box before he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Then he put the box next to his pillow before he turned off the lights.

"Goodnight," Eijun said with a small voice.

It was not a good night.

* * *

Thanks for reading! I am kazubako from tumblr. You can check my tumblr out if you want to see faster updates, because I focus on tumblr more than fanfiction, but I'll try uploading it here quickly as well. I've been on a hiatus for a while, therefore suggestions and little comments are hugely appreciated! Every comment will be a huge motivation for me to continue this series, therefore please do leave me some. Once again, thank you very much and see in you in the next chapter~


	2. Void

The Field Where Only You Don't Exist

Diamond no Ace/Daiya no Ace/Ace of Diamond

Sawamura Eijun initially didn't pay much attention into those simple words, especially because the older male had given him a long lecture before he said those words. Now, however, things are different and there is nothing that Eijun wants more than the other's presence, even when it means he has to go through the lecture a million more times again. It is a small, small price to pay in order to fill the gaping hole of Seidou and his own self.

 **Pairing:** Miyusawa, but it doesn't have to be a romantic pairing. It can be seen as platonic.

 **Disclaimer:** None of the characters are mine.

 **Genre:** Angst

* * *

Ch2: Void

* * *

It was a dark, dark void with nothing inside it.

Eijun thought that this would be something that Kazuya felt, to be dead, to feel nothing. He felt loneliness rushing in, making his weight seemed to be heavier and heavier, drowning into the void that seemed to draw him in and reject him in the same time. It felt so uncomfortable, but he had no strength or willpower to fight back against the pressure that kept weighing him just enough to make him have a little difficulty breathing.

Then the darkness turned brighter a little at a time, to the street that he recognized. It was a street in Tokyo, one that was close to the baseball shop that Kazuya introduced Eijun to. Eijun only knew that one shop, so it was natural that he would remember. There, standing with his back towards Eijun was Kazuya, a pair of red earphones sealing the other's ears with music. Repeated loud honks that seemed a bit far to him resounded over and over, and it was the same time when Kazuya stepped in the road, walking across as the lamp's green. Eijun knew it was inevitable, that he was powerless to stop it, but he still reached his hand forward and jumped, closing his eyes in fear to see death by his own eyes. By the time he closed his eyes, everything vanished into darkness and he was back in his own room, hand stretched up and reaching for the ceiling. He looked to the side to see the box that held Kazuya's glasses inside and took the item out, putting it on. He slid out from bed carefully and took a brief look at his other upperclassman.

The frown and the trail of tears on the pillow explained it all. Despite most of Youichi's face being covered by the blanket, Eijun could see the proof of how Youichi cared about their captain. Not that it was the first time—Eijun knew all along, even when their captain was first injured.

"I'll be going," he whispered silently before closing the door behind him, going for a run when the sun hadn't even risen yet. The air was crisp and chilly, and it felt tingly on his lips and skin. It was probably 3AM, Eijun guessed as he jogged around the diamond. The silence around him was a bit unsettling, but the weight of the glasses and the frame that adorned his view helped. It just felt a little bit sad when he arrived at the mound when there was no Miyuki Kazu—

 _Nice run. That's mostly luck though._

"There's no way," he chuckled and continued running, going past Kazuya and making the deceased catcher think of how disturbing the pass-through was, and how it should hurt. He wanted it to hurt—how the pitcher didn't believe him. Eijun didn't even notice him. He wanted it to hurt him—it should! He wanted to feel alive.

But it didn't.

It was a harsh wake-up call that he wasn't a part of the living.

It was kind of funny how strange that sounded—wanting it to hurt, sounding perfectly like a masochist– but maybe everyone was some kind of masochist, to go through hell of practice for the sake of sports matches. Maybe they were seeking the feeling to be alive after all—and it was one thing that Kazuya couldn't reach right now, but needed desperately. He even would settle with fake ones in this point, really, the lack of feelings began to disturb his thoughts a little bit too much.

Kazuya curved a smile at the irony of that statement, because he used to think that he didn't need feelings—all that mattered was progress and the team and the fact that his friends grow stronger. Was that an improvement or a setback, remembering that he was no longer between the livings?

Closing his eyes, trying to feel the air that ended up futile, Kazuya moved his legs—a pair of legs without weight that seemed so strange yet so right—running behind the younger male. He had no idea why he did this. He knew that he couldn't get tired, that wasn't how any of this ghost thing works. But he just wanted to run. Run. Even when Eijun is already staggering a little and his glasses slipping off per minute, Kazuya kept running. Running, and running, and running, refusing to think about anything else but running. Just when Eijun collapsed on the side Kazuya stopped and walked over to the pitcher, heart constricted with the knowledge that his death was the thing that messed up Eijun. And the last thing he wanted to do was that—messing up the team because of him.

Though, the lack of guilt started to make him doubt himself. Did he really? Or did he actually felt appreciated by how messed up his friends are now that he is not around?

Kazuya shook his head. _No,_ he bit his lips. _This is not going to make me happy._

But he hoped that he at least had some emotions to bring with him, to confirm the outside world and to confirm himself. After all,

 _Feelings is a part of_

I

d

e

n

t

i

t

y

 _And he lost it._

 _Then who in the world am I? Am I really–? What are my ideals? What do I want? What do I not want?_

"…Miyuki-senpai…"

The tired voice of Eijun broke Kazuya's train of thoughts.

"Please… catch for me. Someday. Soon. Maybe later." Eijun spoke, his face hidden behind his arm. "Maybe after I perfect my next breaking ball? I'll—practice with Ono-senpai and Chris-senpai for the moment. Make sure—you come back, okay?"

Eijun buries his face more into his arms before soft snores escaped the younger boy's mouth. Kazuya's quick thought told him to call the coach or Rei-chan or Youichi so they can carry this lump of sunshine, but it wasn't like his voice would reach.

But he felt that he needed to, so he shouted anyway.

"H E L P!"

Nobody came for hours.

* * *

Thanks for reading! I am kazubako from tumblr. You can check my tumblr out if you want to see faster updates, because I focus on tumblr more than fanfiction, but I'll try uploading it here quickly as well. I've been on a hiatus for a while, therefore suggestions and little comments are hugely appreciated! Every comment will be a huge motivation for me to continue this series, therefore please do leave me some. Once again, thank you very much and see in you in the next chapter~


	3. Hopeless

The Field Where Only You Don't Exist

Diamond no Ace/Daiya no Ace/Ace of Diamond

Sawamura Eijun initially didn't pay much attention into those simple words, especially because the older male had given him a long lecture before he said those words. Now, however, things are different and there is nothing that Eijun wants more than the other's presence, even when it means he has to go through the lecture a million more times again. It is a small, small price to pay in order to fill the gaping hole of Seidou and his own self.

 **Pairing:** Miyusawa, but it doesn't have to be a romantic pairing. It can be seen as platonic.

 **Disclaimer:** None of the characters are mine.

 **Genre:** Angst

* * *

Ch3: Hopeless

* * *

After a few hours, Youichi opened his eyes with slight difficulty, as his eyes were a bit swollen from crying. He rose and rubbed his eyes, his head heavy as his sleep didn't help with all the emotions that he felt following his friend's death. He walked into the bathroom to view himself, with messy hair and swollen eye, and he tched as he washed him face. "If he is here, he'll make fun of me to the end of time," Youichi curved a small sad smile as he imagined the presence of the ever-so-annoying voice and the pretty face topped with the smirk. "Though I don't mind that now, actually. Surprisingly."

Youichi straightened his back and took a deep breath. _Miyuki won't be okay with me looking like this,_ Youichi told himself, _you are now technically the captain of the team with him gone and it's a heavy responsibility. Get yourself together._

It was easier said than done, but he managed to somehow pull it off. Despite how the tiny voice in his heart was crying out, he shut it down and closed off his heart.

He exited the bathroom and noticed that it was very quiet inside their room, not even the sound of breathing and snores. He looked up to only find a thin blanket without anyone occupying the bed. _Probably went on a run,_ Youichi thought, but remembering Eijun's strangeness from yesterday, he decided to take a look whether the other was doing okay. Okay, he looked rather lame with swollen eyes and all, but that was the least of his worries right now. Eijun tended to take things to the extreme, so he was worried that the pitcher would go overboard again—just like the yips time.

Gulp. Remembering the yips already got Youichi a headache.

He exited the room and watched the dawn break. Going for the diamond, he walked leisurely while keeping his eyes out for Eijun. When he finally located the pitcher, Youichi could feel his heart stop before he broke into a run in order to check on the young pitcher.

"Oi, Sawamura!" Youichi shook the pitcher, calling his name again and again. His eyes were laced with worry and sadness, as he knew very well what caused the pitcher to faint. It was made obvious with the glasses that got pressed against his arms, as if to cover his eyes from the truth. It was definitely overexertion, probably to shoo away all the negative thoughts that were especially strong in the earlier morning hours. "Sawamura, answer me!"

Eijun did not answer, but someone else did, although it didn't really get across. Kazuya sat there next to Youichi, kneeling next to Eijun—trying to sort his head out after a few hours of shouting when the baseman came. In one hand, he was glad that someone came to the kid's rescue, since it had been hours—Kazuya couldn't even keep track how many hours had it been. He was also glad that Youichi was doing pretty okay to check on others, but the swollen eyes still weighed on Kazuya's mind. "Kuramochi, you look absolutely horrendous," Kazuya whispered, knowing that it wouldn't be transmitted across even with a shout. "As much as I appreciate you coming to this kid's help—you should probably sort your own mind first."

 _Like you are one to talk though, Kazuya,_ the catcher's mind told himself.

Youichi, not hearing all of them, of course just prioritized the pitcher.

"You are so—" Youichi lifted the arm of the pitcher and flung it across his shoulders so he could support the other back to the room. "…Hopeless…" the last whisper was uncertain as to who it was aimed for. It could be Eijun. It could be Youichi. And it could also be Kazuya, who could only follow them with train of indescribable, huge mess of thoughts swirling through his brain. It didn't matter at that time, as they were battling their own demons that got united in the name of death in their own complex human mind. One awake, one asleep, one dead. They just silently moved into the room and mourned. One, because he couldn't accept the truth. Another one, because he couldn't get over the truth. And the last one, because he caused the ugly truth. With the door closing and rain that started pouring outside, it marked the day when things began to proceed almost like usual, but with pain that underlay the activities because although they had to move on and time must go on, it didn't change anything about how they had lost one of their hopes and dreams and crushed it under the overwhelming unfairness of the world.

 _Seidou High School's out from the list of potential champion with their captain's death._

The baseball magazine's remnants that Youichi ripped a few days ago still littered the rubbish bin.

* * *

Thanks for reading aaand reviewing! I am kazubako from tumblr. Someone actually chat me in tumblr and tell me how they like my writing, which made my day and made me write the next chapter immediately. I am such a sucker for reviews, haha. But I do love reviews and they are my motivation in writing, so do leave me reviews! Big thank you for Roku Kazami for that!

You can check my tumblr out if you want to see faster updates, because I focus on tumblr more than fanfiction, but I'll try uploading it here quickly as well. ^^/ See you in the next chapter!


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